There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
