Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
