i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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