i think my tv is drunk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
