I'm so fucking centered right now
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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