I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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