My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
