there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
