I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
