I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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