I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
