btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
