My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
