The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
