I think my vagina is haunted
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
