I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
