I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
