Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
