she was so not down for the gang bang
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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