My liver just broke up with me...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
