we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
