Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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