if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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