My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize