i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
