She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
