i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
