What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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