You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
