Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
