There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
even my farts smell like vagina
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
