I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
