i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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