just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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