also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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