He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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