mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
