Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize