Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
