I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
