I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
