The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have fence marks all over my body
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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