New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
