I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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