this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
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There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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