I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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