planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
