Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
