Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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