I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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