I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
