I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
