I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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