can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
