I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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