Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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