Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
