just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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